Misery’s Mishap

I am proud to introduce my first guest blogger, author Kevin Cooper

I should also like to add that nobody has offered to write on Misery’s blog. Haha Misery.

Kevin is an extremely good writer, or otherwise he wouldn’t be appearing on my blog. He has just republished the second edition of his first novel, Miedo, more info about Kev and his books on Kev’s blog.

Now onto the story by Kevin…

This short story is based upon actual real events; names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Scene One: Gibraltar. Current Date and Time: May 2nd 2014. 14.02.43

DDI (Doggy Detective Inspector) Pip here, investigating the scene of what was reported to be a major disturbance in the area yesterday around about midday or thereafter and near the old military bastion that has not been in use for quite some time now.

I don’t like disturbances out here on, The Rock, and it is my job to make sure trouble is cleaned up and order is kept, if you get my meaning.

A constable comes up to DCI Pip, “Nothing here sir, we’ve searched everywhere.”

“All right son. Listen up, I know you don’t get much excitement out here on, The Rock, but tell the lads to keep a tight one on this at the moment, OK? It just won’t do to have unseemly gossip floating back over to mainland, Spain and god knows where else across the bloody continent from there. We don’t want it attracting the wrong sorts. Comprende?”

“Yes sir…Will do sir.”

I’ve had my team search the area thoroughly with a fine, toothed-comb and so far they have found nothing untoward.

…time to make some enquiries.

Investigative probing look. Don't mess with DDI Pip

Investigative probing look. Don’t mess with DDI Pip

Scene Two: Hospital room with three beds. Time: 16.54.56

A woman with long dark hair and seemingly to DDI Pip’s mind, a countenance you would only expect of a Russian Countess, is unsuccessfully fighting off a male nurse trying to force feed her some pain tablets. The woman in the bed opposite is laughing her arse off at them. The other bed was empty.

DDI Pip walks up to them, waves his doggy tag, clears his throat noisily and addresses the male nurse in a serious tone,
“I’ll need a word with this poor lovely lady, if you’re quite done!”

“Yes sir.” The nurse stands there, looking dumbfounded and somewhat flushed.

“Well, run along then, there’s a good lad.”

Said lady in bed looks on in amusement.

“Now then… Ms.?”

“Call me Misery, everybody does. How can I help you, Mr kind inspector who just saved me from horrible nurse?”

“I believe you were admitted into this hospital yesterday?”

Misery: “Yes, that’s right.”

“I need to know of your whereabouts and the events that led you into this ghastly place, if you would be so kind.”

“Well it’s not like I’ll be going anywhere soon or that I’ve got anything better to do at the moment is it? Do you want the long or the short of it?” She smiles.

“Whatever suits your fancy, dear, take your time.” DDI Pip pulls up a chair.

“You’d better get your notepad out don’t you think? Wouldn’t want you missing out any important details now, would we?” She smiles again.

He returns the smile, digs into his inside jacket pocket, retrieves a notebook and pen, composes himself, and smiles back again. “Right ready when you are dear, fire away.”

“I was at home working away on my computer, and quite happily as well, if I may add, when Podenco, my beautiful doggy, asked if I could take him for a nice stroll to his favourite playground which is on top of the nearby disused military bastion. Unlike yourself, he’s a dog of leisure, you see. (Pause for effect)
“My partner offered to take him, he being off work for the bank holiday, so I could carry on with my own work, but I needed a bit of a break so I insisted on going. I got a break all right (she points to her foot) just not the kind I had in mind.
“Have you ever been up by the old bastion inspector?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact I was up there just this morning…having a stroll so to speak.”

“Good, then you will appreciate how dangerous it can be for us bipeds with all the guttering, pipes and tubes, not to mention the lack of a parapet on one side and the huge unprotected gun openings looking over a one hundred foot drop down to the car park below on the other.
“Despite the dangers, however, we love to keep our four-legged friends happy. Podenco happily looked down from the gun openings and sniffed around while I carefully walked down the middle of the bastion.
“Anyway, Podenco was lagging behind a bit when I called to him and in his excitement he inadvertently ran into me from behind while I was still carefully making my way forward. Out of the blue, I ended up on my back and pain shot through my leg which must have twisted somehow as I fell. It didn’t look right and I couldn’t move.
“The worst part was that no-one was around and I didn’t even have my mobile ‘phone with me. I managed to slowly crawl a little way and sit on a step, that’s when I started to wave at people and yell for help.”

“I understand there is a bar at the ground level. Had you been drinking?”

“I wish. I might not have felt it so much.”

“And you hadn’t been mugged or raped or anything else untoward?”

“Have I mentioned anything to that effect, inspector?”

“No, I’m just trying to understand and make sense of what some people are thinking they saw or heard. Please carry on.”

“I shouted in both English and Spanish. ‘Help, I cried or Ayúdame!’ Some people did look up and see me, but then they decided to ignore me.
“It seemed like ages, but finally a couple appeared and Podenco, who had been running back and forth frantically trying to get help for me, ran to fetch them.
“Upon seeing my distress, the man immediately rang for the ambulance and was kind enough to lend me his ‘phone so I could ring my partner who later came to help and here I am.”

“Well, that’s a relief, I must say. The reports I got from the passers-by who had not totally ignored you, but feared the worst painted an entirely different picture.
“I will have to get a statement from Podenco, you understand? …just to clarify your story.”

“Of course, as you must.”

“Well take care dear and don’t let them bully you around. Hope it’s nothing too serious and thank you for your cooperation. If there’s anything you need or something you’ve forgotten to tell me, here’s my card.”

“Thank you, Mr kind inspector.”

Scene Three: Misery’s home. Time: 20.45.16

DDI Pip knocks on door. Misery’s partner opens the door, “Yes?”

“DDI Pip, I’ve just been talking to Misery and need to clear up a few things with, Podenco, is it?”

“Ah yes, she already told me all about it. Come on in inspector. Podenco it’s…”

Partner doesn’t get to finish as Podenco thinking that Misery must have returned home bolts to the door.

“Oh, a fellow canine, and who are you then?”

“DDI Pip…”

“Oh wow, you work…what is it like? Are you taking anyone on?”

Can I help?

Can I help?

“Actually it’s a serious business and not at the moment no, but you can help me with something.”

“Really?” (Wags tail in excitement)

“Yes, I just need to clarify Misery’s story about what happened at the old military bastion yesterday.”

“Oh wow, like I’m under investigation or something?” (Way too excited about it)

Wow! So excited!

Wow! So excited!

“That is generally what they call this yes. I need to know what led up to the events of that day, what happened and how you were involved in all this, if you would be so kind.”

“Well, I was gasping for a walk and a bit of a mess around, as you do, and I thought it was high time for Misery to get some exercise as well, so I went and asked her to come with me.
“She was only playing on the computer anyway so it’s not like she had anything important to do like clean up the Land Rover ready for a trip to the finca in Spain or anything like that.
“Anyway, I took her up to the top of the old military bastion so I could check things out and watch people walking below from the old gun ports while she got her exercise.
“Everything was fine when Misery called me…she likes me to stay close when I walk her you see. Anyway, I ran to catch up to her when she seemed to just suddenly stop…by then it was way too late for me to keep from careering into her and over she went. I don’t really know what happened after that, but she was in a right state.
“She couldn’t move at first, but then she tried to walk, like we do, but could only kind of drag herself. At first, I put it down to lack of practice, but then she starting yelling, ‘help’ and ‘ayúdame’.
“There were some other folk walking below and they looked up but ignored her. They’re not like us dogs…we’d be there in a flash if someone called for us. As, you well know.
“Anyway, I started to panic and ran back and forth to try and get attention, but it didn’t work at first. Finally, a couple saw me and I ran to them to let them know what had happened.
“After that some more help came and that’s about it really. I’m not in trouble for knocking her over am I? I didn’t mean to do it, honest.”

“No son, you did the best you could. I’m sure it’s not your fault she fell over. Accidents do happen.
“Just to clarify, there was no suspicious activity. No one tried to mug her or do anything else unseemly to her when she fell? It’s just the people that looked up and or heard her…well you can imagine…”

“Honestly, do you think I would ever let anything like that happen to my Misery? Not a chance! I’d tear them apart first.”

“Well that’s that cleared up then. Thank you for your time.”

“Will you let me know next time they’re taking someone on?”

I can be serious. I think

I can be serious. I think

“I’ll put in a good word for you, son, but I can’t make any promises.”

Scene Four: Back at HQ. May 3rd 2014 09.14.32

Constable approaches DDI’s desk, “Any luck with the case, sir? The lads are anxious to know.”

“Case is closed, son. I’m writing up the report as we speak. Luckily, one of our kind was with the woman when she fell. He’s a bit excitable, but a good lad. He managed to get her some help in the end.
“The others down below misunderstood what she was crying out for and thought the worst of it. You know how some of these people are.
“The woman is in the hospital with a damaged foot, pobrecita, but I think she’ll be all right in time. It must be tough when you’ve only got two feet.”

“What was her name, sir?”


“Oh, ol’ Misery. She’s a good ‘n sir. A lot of the lads like her. Some of them say she’s a Russian Countess, you know.”

“Is that so?” DDI Pip smiles as he wraps up his report.

With which, it's time for a snooze

With which, it’s time for a snooze

The End