Misery’s Mishap

I am proud to introduce my first guest blogger, author Kevin Cooper

I should also like to add that nobody has offered to write on Misery’s blog. Haha Misery.

Kevin is an extremely good writer, or otherwise he wouldn’t be appearing on my blog. He has just republished the second edition of his first novel, Miedo, more info about Kev and his books on Kev’s blog.

Now onto the story by Kevin…

This short story is based upon actual real events; names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Scene One: Gibraltar. Current Date and Time: May 2nd 2014. 14.02.43

DDI (Doggy Detective Inspector) Pip here, investigating the scene of what was reported to be a major disturbance in the area yesterday around about midday or thereafter and near the old military bastion that has not been in use for quite some time now.

I don’t like disturbances out here on, The Rock, and it is my job to make sure trouble is cleaned up and order is kept, if you get my meaning.

A constable comes up to DCI Pip, “Nothing here sir, we’ve searched everywhere.”

“All right son. Listen up, I know you don’t get much excitement out here on, The Rock, but tell the lads to keep a tight one on this at the moment, OK? It just won’t do to have unseemly gossip floating back over to mainland, Spain and god knows where else across the bloody continent from there. We don’t want it attracting the wrong sorts. Comprende?”

“Yes sir…Will do sir.”

I’ve had my team search the area thoroughly with a fine, toothed-comb and so far they have found nothing untoward.

…time to make some enquiries.

Investigative probing look. Don't mess with DDI Pip

Investigative probing look. Don’t mess with DDI Pip

Scene Two: Hospital room with three beds. Time: 16.54.56

A woman with long dark hair and seemingly to DDI Pip’s mind, a countenance you would only expect of a Russian Countess, is unsuccessfully fighting off a male nurse trying to force feed her some pain tablets. The woman in the bed opposite is laughing her arse off at them. The other bed was empty.

DDI Pip walks up to them, waves his doggy tag, clears his throat noisily and addresses the male nurse in a serious tone,
“I’ll need a word with this poor lovely lady, if you’re quite done!”

“Yes sir.” The nurse stands there, looking dumbfounded and somewhat flushed.

“Well, run along then, there’s a good lad.”

Said lady in bed looks on in amusement.

“Now then… Ms.?”

“Call me Misery, everybody does. How can I help you, Mr kind inspector who just saved me from horrible nurse?”

“I believe you were admitted into this hospital yesterday?”

Misery: “Yes, that’s right.”

“I need to know of your whereabouts and the events that led you into this ghastly place, if you would be so kind.”

“Well it’s not like I’ll be going anywhere soon or that I’ve got anything better to do at the moment is it? Do you want the long or the short of it?” She smiles.

“Whatever suits your fancy, dear, take your time.” DDI Pip pulls up a chair.

“You’d better get your notepad out don’t you think? Wouldn’t want you missing out any important details now, would we?” She smiles again.

He returns the smile, digs into his inside jacket pocket, retrieves a notebook and pen, composes himself, and smiles back again. “Right ready when you are dear, fire away.”

“I was at home working away on my computer, and quite happily as well, if I may add, when Podenco, my beautiful doggy, asked if I could take him for a nice stroll to his favourite playground which is on top of the nearby disused military bastion. Unlike yourself, he’s a dog of leisure, you see. (Pause for effect)
“My partner offered to take him, he being off work for the bank holiday, so I could carry on with my own work, but I needed a bit of a break so I insisted on going. I got a break all right (she points to her foot) just not the kind I had in mind.
“Have you ever been up by the old bastion inspector?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact I was up there just this morning…having a stroll so to speak.”

“Good, then you will appreciate how dangerous it can be for us bipeds with all the guttering, pipes and tubes, not to mention the lack of a parapet on one side and the huge unprotected gun openings looking over a one hundred foot drop down to the car park below on the other.
“Despite the dangers, however, we love to keep our four-legged friends happy. Podenco happily looked down from the gun openings and sniffed around while I carefully walked down the middle of the bastion.
“Anyway, Podenco was lagging behind a bit when I called to him and in his excitement he inadvertently ran into me from behind while I was still carefully making my way forward. Out of the blue, I ended up on my back and pain shot through my leg which must have twisted somehow as I fell. It didn’t look right and I couldn’t move.
“The worst part was that no-one was around and I didn’t even have my mobile ‘phone with me. I managed to slowly crawl a little way and sit on a step, that’s when I started to wave at people and yell for help.”

“I understand there is a bar at the ground level. Had you been drinking?”

“I wish. I might not have felt it so much.”

“And you hadn’t been mugged or raped or anything else untoward?”

“Have I mentioned anything to that effect, inspector?”

“No, I’m just trying to understand and make sense of what some people are thinking they saw or heard. Please carry on.”

“I shouted in both English and Spanish. ‘Help, I cried or Ayúdame!’ Some people did look up and see me, but then they decided to ignore me.
“It seemed like ages, but finally a couple appeared and Podenco, who had been running back and forth frantically trying to get help for me, ran to fetch them.
“Upon seeing my distress, the man immediately rang for the ambulance and was kind enough to lend me his ‘phone so I could ring my partner who later came to help and here I am.”

“Well, that’s a relief, I must say. The reports I got from the passers-by who had not totally ignored you, but feared the worst painted an entirely different picture.
“I will have to get a statement from Podenco, you understand? …just to clarify your story.”

“Of course, as you must.”

“Well take care dear and don’t let them bully you around. Hope it’s nothing too serious and thank you for your cooperation. If there’s anything you need or something you’ve forgotten to tell me, here’s my card.”

“Thank you, Mr kind inspector.”

Scene Three: Misery’s home. Time: 20.45.16

DDI Pip knocks on door. Misery’s partner opens the door, “Yes?”

“DDI Pip, I’ve just been talking to Misery and need to clear up a few things with, Podenco, is it?”

“Ah yes, she already told me all about it. Come on in inspector. Podenco it’s…”

Partner doesn’t get to finish as Podenco thinking that Misery must have returned home bolts to the door.

“Oh, a fellow canine, and who are you then?”

“DDI Pip…”

“Oh wow, you work…what is it like? Are you taking anyone on?”

Can I help?

Can I help?

“Actually it’s a serious business and not at the moment no, but you can help me with something.”

“Really?” (Wags tail in excitement)

“Yes, I just need to clarify Misery’s story about what happened at the old military bastion yesterday.”

“Oh wow, like I’m under investigation or something?” (Way too excited about it)

Wow! So excited!

Wow! So excited!

“That is generally what they call this yes. I need to know what led up to the events of that day, what happened and how you were involved in all this, if you would be so kind.”

“Well, I was gasping for a walk and a bit of a mess around, as you do, and I thought it was high time for Misery to get some exercise as well, so I went and asked her to come with me.
“She was only playing on the computer anyway so it’s not like she had anything important to do like clean up the Land Rover ready for a trip to the finca in Spain or anything like that.
“Anyway, I took her up to the top of the old military bastion so I could check things out and watch people walking below from the old gun ports while she got her exercise.
“Everything was fine when Misery called me…she likes me to stay close when I walk her you see. Anyway, I ran to catch up to her when she seemed to just suddenly stop…by then it was way too late for me to keep from careering into her and over she went. I don’t really know what happened after that, but she was in a right state.
“She couldn’t move at first, but then she tried to walk, like we do, but could only kind of drag herself. At first, I put it down to lack of practice, but then she starting yelling, ‘help’ and ‘ayúdame’.
“There were some other folk walking below and they looked up but ignored her. They’re not like us dogs…we’d be there in a flash if someone called for us. As, you well know.
“Anyway, I started to panic and ran back and forth to try and get attention, but it didn’t work at first. Finally, a couple saw me and I ran to them to let them know what had happened.
“After that some more help came and that’s about it really. I’m not in trouble for knocking her over am I? I didn’t mean to do it, honest.”

“No son, you did the best you could. I’m sure it’s not your fault she fell over. Accidents do happen.
“Just to clarify, there was no suspicious activity. No one tried to mug her or do anything else unseemly to her when she fell? It’s just the people that looked up and or heard her…well you can imagine…”

“Honestly, do you think I would ever let anything like that happen to my Misery? Not a chance! I’d tear them apart first.”

“Well that’s that cleared up then. Thank you for your time.”

“Will you let me know next time they’re taking someone on?”

I can be serious. I think

I can be serious. I think

“I’ll put in a good word for you, son, but I can’t make any promises.”

Scene Four: Back at HQ. May 3rd 2014 09.14.32

Constable approaches DDI’s desk, “Any luck with the case, sir? The lads are anxious to know.”

“Case is closed, son. I’m writing up the report as we speak. Luckily, one of our kind was with the woman when she fell. He’s a bit excitable, but a good lad. He managed to get her some help in the end.
“The others down below misunderstood what she was crying out for and thought the worst of it. You know how some of these people are.
“The woman is in the hospital with a damaged foot, pobrecita, but I think she’ll be all right in time. It must be tough when you’ve only got two feet.”

“What was her name, sir?”

“Misery.”

“Oh, ol’ Misery. She’s a good ‘n sir. A lot of the lads like her. Some of them say she’s a Russian Countess, you know.”

“Is that so?” DDI Pip smiles as he wraps up his report.

With which, it's time for a snooze

With which, it’s time for a snooze

The End

Saturday summary

First – without forgetting yet again, I MUST mention my awards, firstly from Tommy at the Pouponettes, absolutely ages ago, and secondly from Ruger in New Zealand last month, and thirdly from Life with Arie, much earlier this month.

So that is:

Pawsome Blogger
Liebster Blog
and
Kreative Blogger

Thank you very much for those. I have no idea if I have received them before as Misery threw all my awards in a cupboard and has never got them out or dusted them off or anything. (She’s only jealous because I always get more than her. Smirk).

Naughty Georgia barks that she saves them all up for the end of the year before she announces them all. I bet she forgets. I Misery certainly would. Deliberately.

Pesky Georgia, Sweetest Little Pea Ratatouille ever, has also tagged me. So I have to play at that too.

Here you go, as copied from Georgia’s blog, some questions and answers about me. I didn’t copy the answers. Only the questions.

    describe myself in 7 words

    Big, furry, placid, happy, toast-loving, strong, catchaser extraordinaire

    what keeps me up at night?
    Nothing. Although cats on the roof of my finca do wake me up sometimes. Bad cats.

    who I would like to be
    Misery. She is in charge of food, can open the fridge door, and she gets to go out on the street without a lead. I don’t know why she doesn’t chase the cats. I would.

    what am I wearing right now?

    Fur. Except it keeps falling out/getting plucked out.

    what scares me?

    Fireworks. I’m not too fond of loud thunder either. I used to be frightened of big trucks when I lived on the street, but I have got better about those since I rescued Master and Misery.

I promised to tell you all what the differences were in my photos between Spain and Gib, and Skye was absolutely right on the mark and first to identify them correctly, and Blue also spotted the differences.

They were, that in my Gibflat, I don’t have anywhere outside to lie so I curl up under my table den, and I lie on my sofa. When we go out we walk around the paved streets through lots of historical places. That is my city life.

Except ….. I got to go to a nice grassy spot the other weekend at Europa Point in Gibraltar. So I sniffed the spring flowers, and all other nice smells, Master scratched his head about something, and that is a mosque behind us. But it’s a bit far for me to walk so we only go when we are in my Landy.

Sniff, sniff, pretty flowers

Puzzled Master and the mosque

Wandering by the Rock

When we go to Spain, I walk by the sea, on country tracks right near our house, and smell the grass, and it is all very different. During the day, I lie outside at my gate, until it is time for my siesta when I go inside to jump on my sofa. And that is my country life.

Supervising Misery, she is weeding my path

Thank you to everyone who played and well done to Skye and Blue who don’t get any prizes. Well, ok, maybe Skye might……..

…… because, as you all know, dear Skye proposed to me for Leap Year. How wonderful was that?

Very wonderful, I say. Especially as no other so-called girlfriends proposed. I’m beginning to think these girlfriends are over-rated.

And I am getting rather old. Perhaps it is time to settle down with an intelligent, beautiful, loving and wonderful dog?

After all, she intuitively spotted the differences in my photos, she likes to go driving in her 4×4, and she sent me lovely Valentine’s Day presents and a card. What more could a dog ask for?

So Skye, if you don’t mind awfully, could I possibly accept? Please?

[NB to Georgia, so NO we are not married yet, there is the small matter of a large pond between the two of us]

Here is a sneak preview of me waiting patiently for my lovely presents, which I shall post about next time. Hopefully. Soonish.

What could this be? Is it for me?

Can you spot the differences?

Bah!! Ten days without a post while Misery has been faffing with HER boring old blogs.

And – I even missed Valentine’s Day so I couldn’t send a bark out to all my wonderful past and present girlfriends. Pippasigh. Harooo.

Anyways, as I went to Spain at the weekend, I thought I would write about my Spanish life, and see if you can spot the differences in my life.

So I won’t write any more but the clues are in the photos.

And because Georgia Sweetest Pea Ever Ratatouille and Ralph have said they want to see photos of where I live, I have included a couple of non-ME photos. They are sort of part of my mini-quiz anyway. (Far more photos of Gib and Spain to be found on Misery’s silly blogs Roughseas and Everypicture)

When we turn off the motorway, we always stop here right on the beach so that we can stretch our eight legs. And Misery calls at the boring supermarket over the road. This is looking down the coast towards Málaga city.

Seaside walk

My very favourite activity of all (apart from chasing catz) – lying at my gate.

Me and my gate

Off we go up the track for our walk.

Smiling in the sun

Need to check out all the smells in the grass since I was last here.

Having a close sniff

Am I supposed to be having my photo taken?

I've posed enough, gotta keep sniffing this interesting grass

And – the weekend’s already over, we’re back walking around the city again, just about to leave through one of the gates – Prince Edward’s – in the city walls. If you look closely you can see it says it was built in 1780.

Prince Edward's Gate

Curled up cosily in my Gibflat once again, under my tableden.

A day in the life of a Gibdog

Here is my new den. No, of course I don’t spend all day in my den, well, not quite all.

But I am proud of myself because I finally managed to work out how to lie just between the wall, the two feet and the bar down the middle. I am very safe hiding in there.

When I’m not there, I’m somewhere on the floor. Or the sofa, but it’s a bit hot for sofas and floors are cooler.

And inbetween that we go for walks. We don’t have a terrace or a balcony (although there is a roof terrace five floors up) so master and mistress like to get out and walk lots. Mistress likes to take us on her silly history tours.

We even sat outside the pub one night. We don’t get to do it very often because Meany Mistress doesn’t like spending money.

The man at the pub has lots of dogs. They are Yorkshire terriers. Mistress is from Yorkshire too and can be a terror, but she doesn’t look like this.

I didn’t get to see them because the man doesn’t bring them down until late when we are all tucked up on the floor and snoring away. Meany Mistress hasn’t bought a bed yet.

But she is buying me a bling laptop for my Gibflat so I can keep in touch with you all when we are down there. Well, when she pays for the internet we can.

So if you don’t hear from me you know why.

Almost forgot. We are writing for the DWB News. I volunteered mistress for it. Hehe. If you haven’t seen it, have a look, and if you have any news items there is a contact email address over there where you can send info to me. And I will pass it on to mistress of course.

Here and there

Hello everydog. Here I am – sort of.

I am here in my GibKennelFlat but Meany Mistress hasn’t sorted out my internet connection yet so she has been despatched to Spain to update my blog.

We have not been down for a while because master got involved with helping a broken-down truck on the beach, and then our Landy decided to sulk because it obviously felt it wasn’t getting enough attention.

Anyway, we finally set off. Look I am a back seat driver now.

Master checks out the front and I check out the back. I have more room here than lying on the seats and master has tidied out the back for me. I can jump up to see what is going past too. Actually I thought there might have been some cats but there weren’t.

We had a picnic stop.

Yum.

We had a very exciting time at the frontier. There were different people on duty and they didn’t know me so we had to talk to all of them.

First, mistress showed the three passports to a Spanish police officer. I think he was confused with my passport as it is blue and he wondered where the other person was hiding in the Landy and why they had a funny passport. When he started reading it and realised it was a dog passport he couldn’t stop laughing.

The next officer laughed at mistress’s picture and then started to talk about me. I looked like a German Shepherd cross, yes we all said – well, they did. Crossed with a husky, he added. Yes, they agreed again. “I used to be a dog,” he said and laughed. Master and mistress laughed too. They didn’t know what to say.

Then we got to the Gib customs guy. He is in charge of dog entry into Gib, so he decided to look at my passport. In all the times we have been in and out, no-one has ever opened it, so I was very excited. But Misery Mistress has not put my pic in it yet (it’s optional) so that was a pain. Then he asked if I had jabs. Of course I have, it said so on the page he was reading.

And then we were off to one of my favourite spots – Europa Point – the southernmost tip of Gib. You can see Africa. Well, normally you can, but there was a bit of a sea fret and the fog horn was sounding.

Finally we arrived at my GibFlat. And – we even got a parking space in the street – which is a very rare occurence. Well, after all the excitement, I just flopped on the floor.